Narcissist My Love
by fritzer
Summary: Regal is having an affair, but with who?  Zelos is going to find out!  Regal x Surprise!  Crack Pairing Challenge Fic.


This was a challenge between Mistress Zelda and I. We went through the Tales of Symphonia Crack Pairing Generator to find the weirdest crack pairing. We also had to use the word handcuffs and pants. Well…this is it. Please don't kill me ToS fans!!!!

* * *

Zelos was having a pretty good day, all things considering. Lloyd had managed to put out that fire he had somehow started. Colette hadn't destroyed any priceless family heirlooms in nearly an hour. Sheena hadn't gone psycho ninja on him all day and Genis and Raine hardly ever did anything to damage him or his home. With the exception of the last two, he really had no idea why he allowed any of them in his house.

Anyway, Zelos was walking down the hallway, minding his own business when he heard something very…odd coming from Regal's room. He stopped, bringing his ear close to the door. It almost sounded like…Regal was…

"Holy crap on a stick! Regal is having hot monkey sex in there!"

But with whom? Who was Regal- Zelos mentally shuddered- sexing it up?

Zelos had to find out!

* * *

"Hello Lloyd."

"Hey Regal."

"Uh, Lloyd…what are you doing?" El Presidente watched in confusion as our hero struggled to hold the kitchen door shut. Beyond the door Regal could hear a strange, inhuman growl as something pushed at the door.

"Oh. I tried cooking without supervision," Lloyd replied as if that were all the explanation needed.

Regal slowly backed away and went in search of the more sane members of their group.

He ran into Raine.

"Why hello Regal. I think Zelos is looking for you." She looked off into space thoughtfully. "He kept muttering something about you and 'sexing it up'."

Shifty eyes. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Raine shrugged and left.

* * *

Meanwhile, Zelos was leaving his room. He was dressed completely in black, complete with super spy gear and kunai stolen from Sheena's room and night vision goggles. It was noon.

"What are you doing?" Sebastion asked.

"I'm going to spy on Regal and find out who he's-"

Lloyd's pained scream could be heard from downstairs.

"-having an affair with."

"Ah. Shall I go see if Master Bud is still alive, sir?"

"Yeah. You do that." And with that, Zelos marched off to become Super Secret Spy Zelos Complete With a Catchy Theme Song. He threw a few kunai at a potted plant for added affect.

* * *

Zelos peered over a slime covered table in his completely slime covered kitchen, binoculars at his eyes, to spy on Regal.

Regal was currently talking to a rather frazzled Colette, who had just slipped on a patch of slime and had shattered the frame of a picture mere seconds beforehand. Could SHE be the scheming adulteress (ignoring the fact that Regal was not married)?

"Are you sure you're alright?" Regal was asking. "That's a lot of blood."

"Tee hee hee!" The blonde Chosen slapped her hand over the gash on her head that was spurting out blood at an ungodly rate. "It doesn't hurt a bit!"

"Well, if you're sure…"

"Yup, I'm perfectly-" she tripped on a ladybug, followed by the sound of many cracking bones. "AHGGGGGG! THE PAIIIIIN!!!"

Regal stared at her writhing frame.

Blinked.

Walked away.

Zelos decided that it probably wasn't Colette. If it was, Regal probably would've cared she was bleeding to death.

…

Maybe. Or maybe he was just in it for the sex.

* * *

After making sure Colette's blood didn't stain anything, Zelos super secretly tailed Regal to his next destination- the garden.

A very angry Sheena stomped up to him, two dirt-caked kunai in her hand.

"Regal, do you know who stole my kunai and threw them into pots!? I already beat Lloyd up, but he swears he didn't do it!"

Regal thought for a moment.

Zelos hoped Sheena didn't remember whose house she was at.

"Maybe it was a squirrel."

"…"

Regal jangled his HANDCUFFS impatiently. "Squirrels are evil."

"…Yeah, you're right. I'll get those stupid squirrels!"

Sheena ran towards a nearby tree, screeching like a banshee.

As Zelos watched the girl vehemently strangle a rabid squirrel in fascination, Regal mysteriously disappeared.

* * *

"Where did Regal go?"

Zelos stomped down the first hallway angrily. Twigs stuck out of his hair, his clothes were disheveled, and his night vision goggles hung halfway off his head.

"Enough is enough! I will demand he tell me who the scheming adulteress is!"

Dramatically, he swung open Regal's bedroom door only to find-

"What the…?"

A red-faced, extremely disheveled Regal detached himself from the spit-covered mirror, his hands stuck down his PANTS.

"Zelos…uh…it's not what it looks like…"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH-"

* * *

"-HHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"I wonder what Zelos and Regal are doing up there," Lloyd said thoughtfully.

Raine and Kratos exchanged The Look. "Lloyd. I think it's time for The Talk…"

END


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